Today I am going to celebrate being a quitter. Although this sounds adverse, just bear with me.
It took me a while to figure out how I wanted to introduce this journey and to be honest, this may not even be the right way, but that’s what an anxious mind does for you.
I quit my full-time job in September with zero idea of exactly where I might land with my next career move and how I might pay my bills. For the first time in my life, I had no plans for my “successful” future and felt like I was spiraling. I thought either A. I am going through a midlife crisis at 30 or B. I am a super Millenial that has passions and is destined to find my purpose. Both could sum it up, but if that was all this is about, I’d tell you to stop reading this immediately and go spend your precious time elsewhere.
The point of this isn’t to share I quit my job to stick it to the man, or that I want to change the world or to prove some point about alignment and purpose. I quit my job because I could only take so much of living MY life inauthentically. There was nothing I did in life that was so horribly wrong. In fact, I am very proud of my life, but it just never felt complete for me and that was hard to accept.
When faced with questions like "what excites you?" and "what do you want to do?!", I’d find some textbook answer that I convinced myself to be true. I never felt I could fully express the things that excited me because 1. I didn't know what they were yet and 2. I have terrible anxiety surrounding the fear of being judged.
"I was the only one judging myself and avoiding facing my truths. And here lies the problem."
I had convinced myself that life becomes boring when you get older and I needed to deal with it. That I was only capable of an average life before me and it was time to accept that. I figured you work to pay your debts, pray the days fly so you can get to Friday or the next vacation and feel all the excitement possible that those times bring you. And repeat.
Somewhere along the journey of my upbringing and poor mental health, I laid out a foundation of several rules for future success:
1. What I should/shouldn’t be doing to be considered normal or successful. (Go to college, get a job, buy a house yadda yadda).
2. What others should/shouldn’t be doing to be considered normal or successful.
3. Have high expectations from others.
4. Always have a plan (DO NOT DIVERT FROM SAID PLAN).
Eventually, I was going to break down into a crumbly hot mess if I continued to follow the above rules. Well, I kind of already did, several times, but anyway. Not that I want to blame my anxiety or depression fully on my ways of viewing this life, but they contributed to a victim’s lens that made it difficult for me see any other way of thinking. What I have learned is that shame is a common theme surrounding my mental health. Shame for flaws, constant comparison of others, lack of leadership, past mistakes, career choices, financial debts, you name it.
These rules I laid out, unintentionally mind you, were complete bullshit. They were all surrounded by my theme of shame and expectations.
I decided to make a gazelle-like jump away from the bullshit and land *perfectly* on the cushy mat of life as a happier version of me (reality states: I haven’t landed so eloquently yet, there’s a large possibility of still falling flat on my ass, but I’m happy to risk it).
It is no coincidence that the things I truly love started finding their place in my life when I made space for them. This was (is) a slow process. I can't pinpoint the exact moment when the lightbulb clicked, but I do know I have never been happier in my entire life.
Today I proudly state "I quit a job I hated" and I am practically staring Mt. Kilimanjaro in the face (more about that later). Without determination, proper physical activity and nutrition, support from my friends/family and my leadership program; I know I would be that crumbly hot mess. I'd still be riding life’s ups and downs painfully in a victim state while still following those faulty set of rules I made up.
"There is no manual directing us to our path of success and failure, only you have the answers within. I took those faulty rules I created and turned them upside down."
1. No one should do anything unless they want to
2. There should be zero expectations of others to do anything for you in this life.
3. Plans are meant to change.
When I leaned into higher thinking my power to unapologetically live my life as little old me started to flourish.I quit hiding my anxiety and depression. I quit avoiding change. I quit allowing my anxieties to spoil times with my loved ones. I quit being grumpy to the nicest humans in my life because I wanted them to feel sorry for me. I quit being afraid to talk about my leadership program to climb Kili. I quit speaking shamefully about the things I love that probably annoy you (yes, I love to re-post words of encouragement on my insta-feed, I work out A LOT and eat really healthy and am damn proud of it) and lastly, to sum it up I quit caring what anyone else may think about any of my journey.
I am rich with happiness when I reflect on the things I have made space for over the course of 8 months. I have reconnected with several important people in my life. I am nearing completion of Mountains and Marathons 6-month leadership program where it ends with a badass hike to the tippy top of Mt. Kilimanjaro in January, I have partnered with a Mental Health Charity called Still, I run to help raise funds for their 2020 missions, I happily accepted a spot on the Gazelle Girl Half Marathon’s Advisory Board for 2020’s race, and I am taking my time to explore companies and future careers that will align and support my strengths and desire for personal development every day.
I encourage all of you to take a look at the lens you are viewing this world in. My goal is to share more of this journey. I want to create a space that starts conversations to spark inspiration where we can comfortably be ourselves without judgement.
I am on quite the mission; to find a successful career that I am proud of, to connect with genuine humans of all kinds, to travel the world, climb many mountains, run marathons, serve others in their mental health journeys, to never stop learning, and my favorite yet; to perpetually be on a personal development path to better myself for the betterment of others.
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