"To perpetually be on a personal development path to better myself for the betterment of others."
These were the last words I wrote in my first blog post. It doesn't state the road map to get there, but it is truly all I want in life. I'd like to think I have done well at this as I reflect on a year of vast learning for things happening outside of myself. But I must continue to keep an open mind and so I am holding myself accountable. I ask you to challenge me.
Some days I am scared to get loud, especially when I start talking about our nation and the world's issues, but today I feel like being loud.
It hurts when your beliefs, words, or actions are challenged. Some might define this "challenging statement" as actually shaming others. I may have called it that up until a few weeks ago, but it hit me, the only one shaming me for my decisions is myself. Even if it was prompted by someone else's words. Stop taking it personally, cause it's not.
Instead of feeling shamed by the actions or words of others, I ask myself where could I have been more curious or open-minded. And next time, use what I've learned to respond and ask more questions. It's okay to not know how to respond or act to challenging statements, especially when it goes against your beliefs. But it's not okay to close off your mind and ignore an opportunity to learn from someone else.
"As we get angrier and angrier, we solidify an idea of our enemy. As we solidify this enemy image, it becomes harder to communicate and listen to the enemy. Because we've dehumanized and shamed it out of it's humanity" -Brene Brown
2020 the year of good vs. evil. The year shed light on systemic and political issues. Our nation's leader was advocating and justifying violence by reinforcing that some groups are less than human, our nation condoned unnecessary violent and racist acts, and the one that really gets my blood boiling; the moral exclusion of individuals based on what you believe to be true from influences out of your control. Goodbye to those influences, I no longer abide by your control.
I had no idea how "passion" would later lead to some extreme curiosity to unlearn so much bullshit and do much more to help others than I knew existed for me. I was in tears many times thinking of how I had never heard or seen half of the terrible things going on in this country. I was shaming myself due to a lack of knowledge, but really it was accountability that I needed.
Following my life-changing trip to Africa, I undoubtedly needed this kind of accountability. In fact, I was a little baby back bitch about coming home and how 2020 was presenting itself. How unfair for my life to be put on hold. Get over yourself, Sammie.
Thankfully, I caught the baby back bitch-ness early on and took advantage of the gift that 2020 turned out to be in my life. Time to be with me, time to be curious, and accountable; so I can truly continue to grow and help others.
I believe in life that many things can excite us, and it's ok to change frequently when they occur as we damn please.
As I sat down to edit the Kili recap video below I had a new perspective watching the interactions taking place. I actually can't hear "Africa" by Toto without feeling some kind of way, and of course, I cried, but this moment felt different. There was so much love on the mountain. No matter the age, race, sexual preference, nationality or, religion; whoever we came in contact with was greeted with love, a warm hug, hand holding, kind words, and bright happy smiles. We were all just human, together. Despite watching myself living in pure bliss in those moments on the mountain, what I am most proud of is how much I've grown since the summit. That didn't happen because I reached the top of the mountain.
I faced more fears on my own after climbing Kili. I took my new confidence out on the road for solo adventures. I tried new things; some stuck and some did not. I had very difficult conversations as I intentionally chose to unlearn some conditioned beliefs. I read a lot, slept in my car, raised money for mental health, feverishly hustled at my new job, rode my bike everywhere, got hit by cars, fell off my mountain bike, ran a TON, and asked a lot of questions. I was scared shitless of it all.
None of that seemed like it was bigger than Kili, but it was. Much much bigger.
The pressure to top my greatest achievement was soul-sucking, taking the purpose right out of passion. So, I just threw it away. Something other than passion was leading the way.
Being alone and with my mind terrifies me, I have to admit. I am learning to love it because it continues to teach me so much about myself. I am facing even greater depths of my traumas, conditioned ways, mindsets, and I am challenging the shit out of them.
How? Following my new teacher; Curiosity.
Maybe some of you humans like knowing what's next and enjoy your routine. I respect that, but I cannot do a scripted life. I cannot hear how others are suffering and go about life in my bubble and check off my random to-do's to feel "accomplished." I MUST attempt to have a tiny impact by learning more. Of course, alongside my anxiety, I am meticulously calculating how I can control things, or set up success, but I gladly surrender when it starts burying me. I know I cannot do the same thing over and over and over and truly be happy. So I continue to remain curious.
A friend shared this quote with me;
"When you get reactive, get curious. You have a wound that is asking to be healed." - Mark Groves
When I am reactive, impulsive, or sad for absolutely no reason. I want to blame something; seasonal depression, or what have you, but this year I felt different. It can't be these things I keep blaming. So, I paused and looked inward, asking myself "what is the true cause of this reaction," and most importantly "what is this teaching me?" When I answered that on my own by facing past trauma and trusting my intuition, I know a new layer of growth has presented itself.
Is facing the past traumas emotional for me? Yes. Is admitting that my white privilege dehumanized others tough to swallow? Yes. But it is necessary to understand why I react in certain situations. Why I can't sit still for too long and why I feel the need to define every fucking thing I ever do and circling it back to my "passion."
What I crave is the unknown. Something I know little about that fascinates me, something to make my brain work and truly get lost in.
I never actually want to fully define my passion. I'd rather be guided by this healthy foundation and continue to be curious, so I can uncover new passions. I change my daily rituals that align with my greater goals every week to challenge new ways of thinking. I lean into the stuff that makes my heart skip a beat. Even if it's as scary as sharing my lack of knowledge for what's happening in this world or something as mundane as reading a book that's been on my nightstand for a year.
Your passion does not have to be this grandiose thing. Of course, it feels good to kickass at something so dope you're a total badass for. But it's also dope AF to lean into the ordinary things, as they can be your stepping stone to a bomb ass experience you don't even realize exists yet.
Keep being curious. Keep persisting. Don't settle, even if it feels complete. I promise there's so much more to learn, see, and experience even if you think you've"made it."This is my accountability and promise to you all, I won't stop. Challenge me.
Love to you all,
Sammie B
PS. I started gardening. It's real dope. Might run really fast this year, also real dope.
*This writing was highly influenced by three phenomenal authors I studied this month; Brene Brown - "Unlocking Us" Podcast, Elizabeth Gilbert- "Big Magic," Sonya Renee Taylor - "The Body is Not An Apology."