"I viewed the completion of Kilimanjaro as my greatest success. By doing so I convinced myself it would be hard to face the challenges waiting for me at home, so I chose to avoid them."
After much time spent reflecting and observing my priorities upon my return, I realized I viewed the completion of Kilimanjaro's summit as my greatest success. By doing so I was unable to see how I could "top" this, especially returning to a few major unknowns.
In Tanzania I was on top of the world (literally); celebrating with my new life long friends enjoying vacation and basking in the greatness of what I did. But coming home to Michigan meant time to grind again and I wasn't ready for it. I came home with a confidence I am not proud of because it did not display one of my most important core values; humility. I had forgotten that planning out small goals leads to some pretty big results (Ahem, Kili).
"I have not been able to write about this because I was unsure of who the girl was that climbed to the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro and who I was back home. How could I not find the words to connect the two?"
I refused to talk about coming back to Michigan when I flew into Chicago where I was met by my best friends. I joked several times about them leaving me there. I continued to plan this life of "what if's" to avoid reality instead of saying "this is what is possible right now." Even when I got to Michigan I didn't tell anyone right away because I didn't want to answer questions of what I would do next. Instead, I distracted myself with false hope to plan more travels I couldn't afford and a possible uprooting. All of this is completely possible, but let me be clear, I am no position to be planning any trips or adventures until I figure some very important things out first.
"On that mountain I didn't have anxiety, I didn't experience worry and everything was possible because failure was not an option."
Why couldn't this translate to home life? I didn't understand and felt so lost. A few people warned me of this possible sadness, but I thought I had this. I mean, I prepped for this, right? Despite the confidence and prep, anxiety still smacked me right square in the nose because I forgot to practice humility. I found Mt. Kilimanjaro to be such a metaphor to my life, yet forgot to acknowledge all the work and support that truly got me to the top.
The Come down
It's a very slow trek to get to the top and an even faster come down that hurts even more. Your body aches every step of the way, you need breaks, and you're sleep-deprived. On the mountain, you have to take everything in micro-steps (or 10 seconds of grace as my friend Billie would say). You lose your appetite, you want to give up and cry, and crawl into your wet tent and feel sorry for yourself... but then! You make it to the top above the clouds and watch the sunrise like you never have and all that bad stuff seems to disappear.
When you've finally made it, enjoy it for 15 minutes, because it's all you get before it becomes unsafe. It's never safe to sit on top for too long. Maybe it's low oxygen levels or maybe it's because eventually you must come down. I selfishly wanted forever.
How true is this statement for all areas of life? This isn't about climbing mountains for me. This is real LIFE. As humans, we sometimes reach our greatest goals. Then we sit on them for too long because we don't know where to go next.
I hope for you it's a complete unknown because that's when things get awesome. Scary, but awesome. You get another blank canvas, another goal, another challenge, but this time so much confidence to back it up. How lucky are we in that moment?
I am not going to sit here and dance around the fact that this trip was nothing but amazing. The views were breathtaking, I pushed my body and mind past so many limits I can't describe and met some of the most amazing humans along the way. When I got home, however, I allowed my mind to forget the pride I should be feeling. I didn't accept a part of me that is so important and allows me to keep growing; fear. I forgot that each day prior to departure what I was working my ass off for wasn't to get to the top of the mountain it was to grow into the strongest and best version of me. The girl that can conquer Kili, hold the sun in her hands and take it all home to climb the real mountains and navigate with grace.
I told myself so convincingly that the girl who climbed to the top of that mountain with her damn day pack on the entire way is NOT the girl who is coming home to so much uncertainty.
But this is me, uncertainty that will work itself out because I am a fighter who will keep wearing that day pack until I can't anymore. The mountains are everywhere in life. I'll forever want to be a curious little kid running, climbing, and jumping around on them with big dreams until they become a reality. I want to feel the glory of success when you make it to the top and the sadness when it's time to leave it behind.
I started this journey to view this lens a long time ago and somehow lost my way, but glad I had time to come back and reflect. We always have time.
"So, what's next?"
I have an agenda, a very obtainable one; maintain my morning/evening rituals that I implemented long ago. Stay connected to my inner circle, continue caring for my physical body through fitness and nutrition. Practice self-care and love for mental health find micro-goals to work towards my greater goals so my life has a boundless purpose and lastly continue to trust myself.
Throughout this process, honesty and trust is what has opened most conversations and incredible opportunities. The right one is waiting, always. My path became much clearer as I grew closer to my trek, but now I am home and a new path is unfolding for my next chapter. I will sit with the unknown and keep practicing patience, be vulnerable, and love myself every step of the way.
Please don't hesitate to submit any thoughts or questions about the climb on my contact form. I will be sharing more about the journey soon answering all questions and sharing many photos because it was AMAZING! A special shout out to my most amazing Coaches and teammates from Mountains and Marathons and Afrikabisa for getting us safely to the top! As always if you have any comments surrounding mental health, blog topics, or general thoughts please don't hesitate to reach out.
If you want to keep up with my next races, mental health missions, and training please follow me on my Instagram!
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