I Decide
As most of you know mental health hits home for me and I speak on it often; or at least as often as I am capable without feeling completely exposed. I didn't always though. I had no idea what caring for your mental health meant and that others would face similar demons.
I struggled for years. Live or die, sadness, victim role, coasting, I suck and will fail, coast again, andddd repeat. About 2 years ago I felt brave enough to share a little about my journey on social media. I hated the idea of it but was getting to a better place with accepting this part of me. I kept it very surface level, but I was shocked at the love and support I received. I was even more shocked by the thanks I received from others for making them feel heard and more "normal." I had no idea that my tiny voice could impact so many. Despite the support, I still struggle at times with the vulnerability surrounding it. That does not mean I will stop though. Fast forward to the last year and a complete transformation has taken place. Did I know I had control several years ago? Not really. Despite my tiny moment of anxiety before sending out a message or post, I know what the impact will be for others and that is worth every moment to keep sharing this journey and empower others to face their fears too.
Mental Health is Hard
"People's mental health are in question right now and we have no idea where it is coming from or how to manage it."
This pandemic has certainly affected my mental well-being and it is a weird feeling. Seemingly all is well. I am healthy, have a couple of jobs, I am in my own apartment again and on the track to all positive things. Things have oddly fallen into place as I planned for them to (even if I didn't know it at the time), yet I find myself so drained and down most days. This feeling is quite overwhelming. I feel guilt for doing well during a time so many are not, I feel inadequate at times with my new job, I feel overwhelmed by the daily choices I make about social distancing. I miss my friends, I miss my family. I want to be productive but haven't taken the take time to write here or personally work on the things I keep talking about doing. My mind is in overdrive learning my new job functions in this capacity. Despite being exhausted all day when I go to lay down most nights, there is no turning off.
Never-ending Grief
For those of you who have experienced grief in your life, this may make sense, but for myself, I have not. I didn't understand this feeling until my therapist explained to me that what I am experiencing is going through the full stages of grief over and over and over again. I may not be grieving the loss of human life, but I am grieving the loss of routine, any plans for the future, and have daily reminders of death, pain, uncertainty, sadness, and politics happening all around us. Going through grief is unknown to me and this type of grief is even more foreign. I know I didn't know how to cope, and I am guessing others are struggling too.
It will take our bodies and minds time to adapt to a new natural reaction to these types of losses. Are we to the acceptance stage yet? Just when I think I am, something changes again. Grief during a pandemic is a very isolating experience, and on top of already being in isolation, well I call that a cluster fuck. Loved ones cannot support you like they normally would during a time of a loss. You know, a friend stopping by to bring food, drinks, or sending a simple message of love, etc. Sure a phone call or zoom call was exciting at first, but I recognize it isn't quite enough for me to make the connection that these people are not gone forever. On top of that everyone is struggling with their own stuff so the emotional bandwidth is just not there to be our normal energetic selves.
Regardless if you relate it helped me to put the extra sadness, racing thoughts, and nervous energy in a place where I could work towards building myself up and accept the cycle instead of breaking myself down for feeling the way I do over and over and over....
Questioning my Purpose
“I was so sure of my purpose and then the Pandemic hit.”
During this pandemic, I have been tracking my mood and journaling daily. I am doing all the right things that worked so well the last year to get to a point of knowing my purpose. My daily rituals are healthy and I am doing them to a T. My fitness routine is the best it's ever been despite battling a foot injury preventing me from my favorite thing ever, running. So why does my purpose feel non-existent? I forgot the reason why I was inspired to be this voice you are hearing from today.
What have I learned?
What this pandemic and social isolation have taught me is this gratitude, respect, and friendship I have for myself and the strength that lies within. Don't get me wrong, I know the mental/physical capacity of training and climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro took some grit, but when the crutches I relied so heavily on were removed I fell flat on my face. That grit seems unobtainable all of the sudden.
At this moment your determination has to overpower your mind's ability to tell you to feel sorry for yourself.
We all need humans in our lives, but we need ourselves most. The relationship with ourselves is the best yet worst one because you can't remove you from your life. Haha, it sounds silly in hindsight, but we are taught these days when someone toxic is in your life you set boundaries and/or remove the toxic source, but how do we do that with ourselves? What if we are the toxicity? I pondered this one a moment.
I knew what I needed all long. I needed to feel isolated. I needed friends to not check-in or pick up the phone when I sent a message or called. I needed to stop sending the messages with expectations for their time and validations. So I did. I went silent, not because I didn't care about my loved ones, but I needed to sit with myself for a minute. This was difficult because my love language is checking in, sending words of encouragement, small gifts, and having special conversations.
This sounds harsh, but the reliance on response and validation I sought out was holding me at a standstill for further growth. When I moved into my new apartment I bawled like a baby on my best friend's floor because I did not want to face what I knew was "my next challenge" (despite knowing it would undoubtedly lead to my next win). I wanted this moment more than anything in life but was scared shitless of truly being on my own.
You Got This
Here I sit 1 month later. I am not going to say I have skated through this transition like a boss, but I am damn proud of the perseverance and strength I have had. As I said, crutches have been thrown away and I fell down, but I got back up.
One week I feel amazing, the next I want to lay in bed all day. Regardless of what each day brings I face it and feel it on my own. And guess what? My network is still as supportive as hell.
Grief is powerful, and we are not anywhere near ending this cycle so we need to call it for what it is.
What we can do is remind ourselves to have grace and keep pushing. Take care of yourself first, and when you are able to, be there for your loved ones. They think about you more than you realize and you are truly loved. I am here to give you these words, one to project my own insecurities of the need for validation (and to stop), but also to empower you to think twice before you seek your crutch before trying to work things out on your own. You've got this. I promise. Chelsea Handler says it best: I decide to be... all the amazing things I want on that t-shirt you see above and You Decide to.
Please reach out anytime if you ever have a thought to share, whether it be a personal story, or want to connect. I love expanding my network and hearing from you guys and most certainly want to be a resource for you if you ever need an ear or someone to talk to. As my favorite coaches in the world say "Go Well, Friends!!"