Living with Anxiety: Mental Health Awareness Month
I feel a bit unstable when I think about my restless and wandering mind. I wonder if anything will ever be enough to satisfy it.
In hindsight, I hope nothing is ever truly enough to feel content, so I continue to wander with curiosity and face fears. As I reflect on the last 7 weeks of my life I see someone who can be confident, strong, but also unstable, stubborn, and annoying as shit at times. With May being Mental Health Awareness month I of course had passion behind making some noise for it. I took passion to another level by hitting the road for the month to take this wandering unstable mind to explore and nurture my soul.
As soon as I arrived out west my excitement turned into a heaviness that built up in my chest. I'd like to introduce you to my dear friend anxiety sprinkled with a bit of depression, and it went like this:
I have 5 weeks out here, that's a really long time. Whoa. That just set in.
This is going to be expensive. Did I budget properly?
I can't even run and a huge purpose of this trip was to run. wtf.
I don't have my bike, how do I train if I can't run?
I miss my friends and family already.
I don't trust myself.
How will I cope when depression sets in?
I'll spare you from the rest...
The truth is despite what my Instagram feed displays traveling is very hard for me. The decision to say yes to any opportunity to explore is a no-brainer because I know I will learn something and I love being outdoors, but I also know I will be very uncomfortable at times. I inherently go through the same stages every trip I take: fear, anxiety, learn a lesson, gain confidence, and repeat.
I knew when the anxiety stage set in I needed to regain my power, but I was unsure where to start. I was looking for validation from external sources and falling short.
By seeking this validation I lost trust in myself. When I left I didn't have validation that what I was doing was going to be impactful or contribute to my self-development. I just believed in myself, but then my anxiety took over, and I lost every bit of my power. Frustrating.
Lesson one: learn to need less validation.
I chose to say yes without much thought yet prepared myself for multiple outcomes, so why was I questioning my decision? I learned later that it was all of the uncertainty I was facing. The fear of not knowing what would come in the next 5 weeks, yet having the expectations something great would happen was my demise.
The only validation that would appease my anxious mind would be me taking action on the things that mean the most to me, and staying present and direct while doing so. I got partially there by leaving. Opportunities like this don't just come along and while I was busy thinking about the future with worry I robbed myself of time and enjoyment for the present moment.
The fact that I made the decision to go, got on the plane, and made it out here was all the validation I needed. If sharing my passions with you meant more about the attention than what it does for me personally, then I'd ship my ass home right away. Of course, I love helping others, but this is about me.
When I have too much time to think with little distraction it can be destructive, but I also believe it's in these times of silence when I shine and show strength despite the instability I described above. I believe in myself, and even if I question it, I know I'll learn and grow from whatever I am questioning. That is where the power lies, but that power was missing when I left Grand Rapids.
What I strive for and mostly practice is being enough for me and trusting my decisions. I set that intention and believe it, but every now and again when I am not certain I question if who I am and what I do matters.
I believe there is a purpose behind what I do, and believe in opportunities arising from the unknown, but my patience wears thin when I can't see results. Again, frustrating. When I said yes to take life on the road for 5 weeks I knew I was going to hate some of it. That may surprise some of you. I hate most of my trips at times. Not because I am a pessimistic little B, but I know when I get uncomfortable or lost I like to hibernate and hide from the world.
This is where lesson number two became clear.
Lesson two: Confront your fears, do not hide.
I knew that going into this (I am seasoned now) there would be no hiding on the road. Even if the road can be a metaphor for running away, I wasn't running by leaving. I intentionally left to face a lot of fears and it made me very nervous. I could not hide from my responsibilities, emotions, conversations, or demons I had been burying deep down.
It's like everything I worried about or was procrastinating on came at me full force. My deepest fears were coming true. My career that I had such high expectations for was not aligning, but I chose to ignore it. My family is facing adversities, but instead of giving them time, I avoided important conversations. I left a meaningful relationship in a fragile moment. My body was not responding to my training for the endurance race I committed to. Yo, I was a hottttt assss mess. Everything screamed, "Yo, idiot go home!"
I could not avoid any of this, but going home wouldn't solve it either.
I didn't know what to do or where to start. I blamed not knowing how to handle all of this on my decision to leave at such a peak of my emotions. I lost trust in myself to respond thoughtfully and I reacted in an emotional state.
After a lot of tears and journal entries about being irresponsible, unsuccessful, lacking integrity, being an imposter....a light bulb clicked. This negative self-talk was stunting my ability to move through the anxiety and fear. I needed to be exactly where I was to navigate all that was coming forth, not back home. Also, can we just reflect on these beautiful views I had to help cope?
All the energy I was giving my worries was paralyzing. I nearly missed the beauty surrounding me because of it. If I was home I'd be fabricating how great things were going. Sure, from a birds-eye view life is always great, but the magnifying glass came out and when it did I saw how disappointed I was.
I took action, not in a forceful way, but with a thoughtful approach. I believe that hard work does not equal successful results alone. Trust me, I work hard, but that doesn't mean I have found my version of success. I believe that success is measured by how smart you work towards your goals and I needed to be smarter.
Each week on the road brought challenges, but each week I got smarter, and those challenges grew smaller. The views became more joyful and my smile was brighter; progress was being made. I worked through the challenges with grace, admitted how I could view things differently, listened to my emotions, but I also stopped overanalyzing and let my intuition guide me. It felt smart anyway.
I have returned home with a great appreciation for my life in Michigan, for the rest my body received, time with those I interacted with, time in nature and beautiful mountains, and a healthy thoughtful self-reflection. I spoke directly to the things I wanted, and even if I didn't always get my way, I ultimately found a deeper trust in myself. I learned what I do truly matters because it is important to me.
Not all is 100%, and it never will be, but baby steps get me through. I start a new job next week, I am making intentional time with my family, and giving myself the energy I was giving to what I thought I needed while ignoring what was in front of me all along. I am more in tune with who I am and where I belong in this great big world- slowly, but it's becoming clearer. Trusting the unknown is scary, but it's the best I can do right now.
In honor of Mental Health Awareness Month taking place in May, I want to stress the importance of seeking support. I will need guidance and coaching for the rest of my life, but I trust myself and that is the power I have claimed. This life I have is an investment, sometimes requiring financial attention, but more so the type of investment to pay attention to what contributes to my self-development. And sometimes that is simply listening within.
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